Hate Yourself Later

Four AM. That's what time it is. I'm not tired at all. A mixture of malt liquor and energy drink does that. Fuck sparks. But tonight was a culmination of events. A concoction of sorts. I saw it coming. I should have ducked. I took the punch straight, and now I'm reeling myself back in because of it. The signs were there but I ignored them. Tonight wasn't a gift but a realization. I was knocked out. I felt like it was high school all over again.

It was all too little too late. I had the chance to say something. I didn't take it. Last night was what made everything crystal clear. It put everything into perspective. Tonight was just the stamp on it. It made it official, it made it true. To ignore it would be stupid of it. I didn't even take it in strides. I took it full on. I honestly feel that the liquor was the punches and my stomach the punching bag. I feel it all there. All the pain. The pain is physical. Nothing intangible. I feel it to the pit. I want to hurl but I can't. This is something I need to suck up.

I'm not sure if there were any chances there. I saw no clear sign. I thought I was buying myself time, you know. Feeling it out. But I was wrong. I gambled, hardly, and these are my results. I didn't all my eggs in a basket, but I did, sort of. I read the market wrong. There is nothing worse then reading the wrong signs. I fucked up I think. I tried, I tried my best kind of. This is my reward. Or better yet, this is my punishment.

Thank God its the end of the semester. I'll get over it then. But right now, it sucks. I'm not going to lie at all. It sucks alot. I feel a little regret. Regret in my timing. Regret in some of the moves I made. But whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say. This is what I experienced in highschool the first two years. I'm a year and a half in. My third will probably look better for me. I mean, it did 4 years ago. Hopefully I have that same luck.