Feeling The Weight Of The World

Getting slapped in the face with the truth hurts more than what can be put into words. Especially when it comes from the ones that you love the most. I learned that tonight in what I felt could have been the hardest confrontation I've had yet.

You can call yourself a dead beat for being a lazy oaf all you want, but when people start telling you that you are, that's when you take a good look in the mirror. It wasn't really a fight or an argument, but I felt the weight of each word, each syllable, hit me over and over. I've felt like I've had this conversation a million times, but it took me up until now to realize that it is true.

I've done nothing with my summer, and my family thinks that it's going to dictate what I do with the rest of my life. I'm an art major, my parents have no idea what the money is like in that. They have every reason to worry, every reason to feel like I am going to do nothing with my life. I really can't blame them. I put myself in this position. I thought I knew how much potential I had, and I guess I may have overestimated it.

I could make a million excuses, but my brother is right, one day none of them will ever matter. I can blame whoever I want, but in the end it comes down to myself. I really am a dead beat. I've literally done nothing but take take and take this summer. I'm disgusted with myself for my lack of involvement this season. I aimed high and I fell hard. I don't really know how else to put it.

I tried. I didn't try hard enough. In the end all I did was hang out and goof off. The only thing I can say that I really did this summer was get sick and lose a few pounds. There isn't much else to say about what I did. I have no stories, no nothing, nothing to say about what I did. Dead beats do nothing so they tell tales of nothing.

I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy with the conditions I'm in. I want to get out. But everything and anything revolves around money. I just need to get out. I want to get out. I want to fully stop caring about everything and everyone. I just want to exist. I don't want to be expected of anything. I just want to be.