Too Much

Who knew my body could go through this much stress? I always thought this kind of stuff was mental and/or emotional. So half way through the second month of school my body starts slowing down on me. And yeah I know I've been putting a lot of miles on it, but it's not like I can go to a dealership and exchange it for a new one, although that would be pretty fucking sweet. I'd get a jacked body, fucking Tyler Durden Style. But I digress. So after this toll I've done to my temple, I ask myself, "how much longer before the physical turns into mental"? I mean, can I keep going on through the daily grind without going completely fucking nuts? It almost seems this semester is way too goddamn long to wait until next to get a more balanced schedule.

I know I've been complaining about this goddamn hemorrhoid for long time now, but it is fucking testimony to what I've been doing. I mean, who the fuck gets a hemorrhoid at the age of 19? WebMD that shit and you'll see that people normally start getting them at 30 something. What the fuck? I mean seriously. WHAT THE FUCK? I've been really fucking weak because of it. I haven't been your standard Alan and that upsets me. But it's not that I'm bored or anything, I'm tired. It seems that every other school in the country gets some type of break. You know, just to cool down and relax. No, not the Rut. Can't afford to. Can't afford to do shit.

I haven't been home in almost two months. People might say I can't complain because they never go home, but with me, that shit ain't flying. Last year I frequented Jersey City. I'd go back every paycheck, mainly just for the day, but I got out of here. That's another thing. Being here, in New Brunswick has taken it's toll. I enjoy it here. I love it. But damnit, sometimes a dude just needs a change of scenery. But when I compare this year to last, I had something in Jersey City then. I had a girl. Loved me, almost unconditionally. This year. I have nothing. You know. My family is there, but in terms of someone there or anyone. They are all gone. My friends, albeit they are great, never contact me when I'm here. My best friend, gets boyfriends, never has time for me at all. I mean, I shouldn't complain, but whatever. I am.

Maybe I just need a companion. I mean I have the boys at The News, but I need a female companion. One who I can call on the regular, and see on the regular. One who is the opposite from me. Who can tell me what to do when shit isn't going right. Someone who can fucking hold me when I feel like everything is just fucking crashing down. Everything seems like it's crashing down sometimes. I've been holding up this ceiling by myself for far too long. I'm not over certain things but whatever. It's on my shoulders, I just need someone to steadily help me put it back on my hands so I can push it upwards.

Fuck. Let me conclude this here. I gotta shit. I'll be back.